That's the Power of the Home Depot
by YouDontKnowMeLikeIKnowYou
Summary: Dirk makes a joke about being sexually attracted to Home Depot. But with their anniversary coming up quick, and Jake needing a plan he decides to use it to his advantage.
1. Chapter 1

Jake slowly sat up and stretched, careful not to wake the blond man sleeping beside him. It had almost been a year and he still wasn't used to waking up next to the beautiful beast beside him. Speaking of it almost being a year, what was he going to do for their anniversary?

Dirk stirred. "Mmmmhgahhhfffffffff."

"Morning to you to dear. What do you want for breakfast?" Jake asked, and then leaned down to peck his boyfriend on the forehead.

"Bffffffffffffff"

"I'll take that as a bacon and eggs"

Dirk sleepily gave a thumbs up. Jake smiled to himself. The same thing happened almost every morning, but somehow he knew it would never get old.

He got up and cooked breakfast. Just as he was about to holler that the food was done, drowsy Dirk half walked, half stumbled into the kitchen rubbing his eyes. The first thing Jake noticed was how ruffled his hair was. The second was the prominent tent in his pant.

"My, my. Got a bit of a situation there don't ya mate?" Jake said giggling a little.

"Ugh. Don't remind me. Lord knows there's nothing I love more than wood in the morning." Dirk blearily groaned out.

In a deep voice, Jake replied, "That's the power of the Home Depot."

That woke Dirk up a bit. "Jacob english, did you just make a Home Depot joke?"

Jake blushed a little, "Well you said you like wood so I thought it'd be funny…"

"Jake, my sexual attraction to Home depot is no joke. It's serious shit. You know that."

Jake knew Dirk was joking, but an plan about what to do for their anniversary started to form...


	2. Chapter 2

It was here. Finally. After weeks of strategic planning the time had come for what would probably be the greatest anniversary ever. For Jake at least.

"Where are we going?" A blindfolded Dirk asked from the passenger seat of their truck.

"It's a surprise."

"That's what you said ten minutes ago."

"Well, it's still a surprise. Have some patience love."

"I don't understand what surprise I need to be up at 10:00 in the morning for."

"It has to be in the morning. You'll see. I'm sure you and your cool-kid sense of irony will appreciate it."

"This better be good."

"Oh, it will be." Jake smiled to himself.

A couple of minutes later they pulled into a parking spot and walked into a building, Jake guiding Dirk with a hand on his elbow.

As soon as they were in the doors Dirk said, "Jake, are you shitting on me right now?"

"What is it?"

"We're in a fucking Home Depot aren't we. I can smell it."

"I have no idea what you mean."

"Jake, I know my hardware supply stores. We're in a Home Depot."

Confound it! Jake was not prepared for his boyfriend superior knowledge of local hardware dealers, but it was okay. The plan hadn't been compromised yet.

He led to a specific spot in a certain aisle and took the blindfold of.

"Jake, what am I doing in the wood aisle?"

Using his boyfriends distraction to his advantage he silently handcuffed him to the bar holding the shelf. Dirk noticed as soon as it snapped onto his wrist.

"Jake, what in the world are you doing?"

With a completely straight face Jake replied, "I know how much you love wood in the morning so for our anniversary I thought I'd give you two some time alone."

Dirk laughed, "Okay that's pretty funny. But why were the handcuffs necessary?"

And with that, Jake turned and walked away, to the sounds of Dirk yelling "Jacob English do not leave me in this fucking Home Depot."

The second he was out of eyeshot and hearing range Jake burst out laughing. Now for the best part. He walked across the street to Chipotle. Home of great burritos and free wifi. He pulled up the feed of the webcam he had conveniently placed on shelf across from him. Dirk was holding onto the bar and had pulled down his jacket sleeve trying to hide the handcuffs as much as possible. Eventually Dirk just standing there attracted attention and an employee came over.

"Um, hi sir my name is Sharon, can I help you find anything?" Sharon looked so innocent. Jake almost went and freed dirk to save her from the inevitable hell to come.

"Naw. Just examining some two by fours."

"Oh, do you need them for something specific?"

"Not really."

"So-" Dirk cut her off.

"Sharon if you don't mind I'd like some time alone with the two by fours."

"Umm, Okay?" and then she slowly walked away.

Dirk stood around for a bit more. Anyone else would have looked awkward, but somehow he made it seem completely natural.

Anytime he someone gave him a weird look he'd just say something like, "Wood. I love wood. You love wood? So great we can bond over this precious resource."

Eventually Sharon being the trained sales rep she was returned.

"Sir, are you sure you don't need help with anything?"

"No Sharon. I'm just debating this issue in my head."

"What issue?" Poor Sharon. That was a mistake.

"Well I really want some two by fours."

"Then get some."

"But do I NEED any two by fours?"

"How about getting one? A two by four is always useful to have around and if you need more you can come get more." Poor logical Sharon, thinking she has everything figured out. She doesn't know she's dealing with a master.

"But you don't understand Sharon. I want ALL the two by fours. One wouldn't suffice. But even if I just got one and never used it I'd always regret the purchase. One two by four would be a constant source of regret and despair."

"Despair?"

"Yes, Sharon. Despair. Because it would be a constant reminder that I'm not spiritually in tune with myself and don't know my own needs." Jake knew Dirk was having fun with this.

Jake zoned out for a bit to focus on the other important item in front of him, his burrito. Was he being a bit of a sadist? 110% yes. Did he regret any of it? 110% no. Besides, he knew Dirk was enjoying himself now. Any opportunity to mess with people never goes to waste around him. He refocused his attention on the screen. Sharon was still trying to reason with him, refusing to learn.

"What if you got part of a two by four? We have in house saws." Sharon suggested, full of clearly faked cheer.

"Part of one?" Dirk sounded sceptical.

"Less regret, just in case."

"Sharon, why would I cut a poor two by fours body into pieces for a just in case?"

Sharon must've decided she was done with him. "You know what? You clearly aren't done with your spiritual discovery so I'll leave you and the two by fours alone."

"You're right. Thank you sharon." Dirk said. Sharon stomped away muttering.

Dirk waited for about five minutes. As inevitable as the day, Sharon returned, seemingly having calmed down a bit. Jake wondered how long that was going to last.

"Sharon, I've had some time to find myself and discover my spiritual needs."

Visibly relieved, Sharon replied, "And what might that be?"

"13.74 inches of wood."

Sharon didn't even bat an eye, clearly happy to be nearly done with Dirk. "Do you want me to cut it for you or cut it yourself?"

"Could you do that for me Sharon? What a pal."

She cut the wood and held it up. "There you go sir! Now go check out and it's all yours!"

"Sharon, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that is clearly 13.76 inches."

"What do you mean? It's 13.74!"

"Sharon, I feel like we've really bonded in these past few minutes, so I'll be totally honest. I don't believe you."

"I assure you it is and I can prove it!"

"Then please, prove it Sharon." She held up a ruler and demonstrated. "Look, Sharon. I love you, and I love Home depot. Did you know I'm sexually attracted to Home Depots? Well I am. I feel close enough to you to tell you that. But this work isn't gonna cut it. A twelve inch ruler can't measure 13.74 inches of wood, much less the 13.76 clearly there. Find a yardstick. Then we'll talk." Sharon stomped away, not bothering to pretend to be happy anymore.

Dirk then turned and looked directly into the camera. "You've had your fun English. Now come bust me out before I get murdered by a sales rep." Darn. He knew about the camera the whole time? But then again this was Dirk Strider. Of course he knew. You got him a burrito before leaving. You thought about getting Sharon one as an apology, but quickly decided the best thing you could do for her was to remove Dirk from there as soon as possible.

All Dirk said when he saw you was, "Bitch, you were at Chipotle this whole time?" after seeing your cup.

As soon as you'd freed him from the pole, he'd slung you over his shoulder.

"Oof. Dirk!"

"Hush now honey buns. Sharon is back." Then to Sharon he said, "Well Sharon. It's been nice. I finally found what I've been looking for though so I'll be off." He slapped Jake's rump for emphasis. "Let me tell you Sharon. I don't know what I would have done without you here to aid in my spiritual journey. You helped me through some hard stuff. As you probably know by now, I didn't come for a two by four. I came to try and get over my love of metal shelving. After being arrested for raping a Lowe's a year ago I decided to seek help. I decided to come say goodbye to hardware forever today, as a sign of moving on with my life. You really helped me through the process. Thanks."

And with that he silently turned and walked away from a sputtering Sharon, through the giant automatic doors, and into the sunlight. As soon as his dramatic exit was complete, he said, "Please tell me you got me a burrito."

"Of course! I am a gentleman. Now could you set me down?"

"No can do." Dirk slapped him on the behind again.

Jake sighed.

"I'm sorry man. I just can't control myself. After all, that's the power of the Home Depot."

At that Jake laughed, knowing that the joke would never die.

 **Author's Note: Wow. What a cesspit of hilarity and regret. Leave a review if you want another chapter from Sharon's point of view. Jk. Although… That could be interessting… Review with thoughts!**


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